I don’t have the energy, the will, the drive
To care
To search
To try
To go on
And so I stand and stare and feel my soul turn to ice
My chin is bruised from being up, stuck out, and defiant
My mind is a tattered thing, reduced to remnants and ribbons of smoke
This soul is weary from all of the stretching, flexing, changing and rearranging
I am flesh and blood and bone and love and frustration and laughter and triumph and forgiveness and joy and fickle and sick
And tired
Of being sick
And tired
My thoughts are a black hole siphoning and sucking at the stars of my sanity
Doubt is the sky that I look up to so I don’t have to watch the ground fall away
My smile is a nervous quivering thing, trembling at the edges and querulous to the touch
These eyes were once headlights shining the way to hope, love, and faith
Now they are pits into a personal Hell where I am both Satan and the damned sinner
Breath is a sluggish dog that refuses to come when I call, speak when I command and doesn’t know how to play dead
A heart that has been shredded, breaded, deep-fried and eaten only to be purged like so much rotten meat
A heart that has been ran over, stabbed, skinned and caressed
A heart that turns and flip-flops into acrobatic animation only to die a thousand times and live a thousand more
The cracked mirror has become my expectation, a realization of who I may become
I don’t have the energy to keep going, but because I am the universe’s fool, I keep going, not knowing when or where to stop and lay my burdens down
Look down, lord, please look down
Look down because I’ve been looking up for you, hoping that your love and your words are true
That my foolishly noble efforts are not in vain and that I’m not insane that that we will rise again
I toss and turn in my sleep when I know that heaven is a dream, and it seems that I have insomnia
Sleepless even though I am tired
Weary even though I am strong
Crying even though I smile
I activate my force field
But it seems to keep me out and trap other things in
It’s a sin for me to feel this way because I know that it will pass, know that I’m am stronger than Atlas trying to bear the entire universe on his shoulders, better than this, more powerful than I ever new
And maybe
I have the energy