Archive for May, 2011

Over Make Me

Belly needs sustenance
Mind screeching
Slice open my veins
Dust. Spills. Out.
Muses have taken a vacation, gone south for the winter
Leaving me plummeting
Recycled. Meta. Fours.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Can’t remember to…?
Maybe after I.
Then I can.
Sankofa to proceed.
Look back, trip over the present. Broken future.
It’s gone.
Maybe I never had it. Only thought I did.
Pen with no ink.
Printer with no paper.
PC with no power.
Hand with broken fingers.
Mouth with twisted tongue.
Redo. Renew. Re-true.
Finish what you start. Start what you finish.
It’s all there.


I love the single star that attends the moon when she is almost full, full to bursting with ivory sheets and shades of glory, heaven and a smile that paints my face as I look up at her.
The star stands close enough to be noticed by her, but not so close that it blemishes her brilliance as she shines down on the earth.
I can’t help but wonder if they know that we look upon them, down here on solid ground in joyous envy. I look up and want to be with them and yet think that I’m happier to simply gaze at a snapshot of paradise and euphoria that lasts three nights.
Rainbow rings of perfection and soft light surround the Moon Goddess, guided into position by her regal nature, her gentle hand and her righteous brilliance.
Like celestial accessories they serve only to enhance her countenance, dripping from her aura like delicate diamonds, precious pearls, and obliging opals.
When we look upon her blazing consort we squint our eyes and hide our faces as we soak up his hot hot rays.
His light penetrates all, all-seeing eyes that press into our flesh like gripping fingers in the summer and caress us like a lover in the spring
Their marriage is one that is created equal, he rules the day as she sits sovereign in the night.
His ambition waxes during spring and summer as she and her twinkling platinum attendants hold sway over never ending winter nights.
It’s a shame that people have lost the compulsion to look up and see what heaven has spread over itself like a tapestry
I for one will remind them all
I will sing the melody of the moon and whisper the soliloquy of the sun.
Open your ears and let the light in


I don’t have the energy, the will, the drive
To care
To search
To try
To go on
And so I stand and stare and feel my soul turn to ice
My chin is bruised from being up, stuck out, and defiant
My mind is a tattered thing, reduced to remnants and ribbons of smoke
This soul is weary from all of the stretching, flexing, changing and rearranging
I am flesh and blood and bone and love and frustration and laughter and triumph and forgiveness and joy and fickle and sick
And tired
Of being sick
And tired
My thoughts are a black hole siphoning and sucking at the stars of my sanity
Doubt is the sky that I look up to so I don’t have to watch the ground fall away
My smile is a nervous quivering thing, trembling at the edges and querulous to the touch
These eyes were once headlights shining the way to hope, love, and faith
Now they are pits into a personal Hell where I am both Satan and the damned sinner
Breath is a sluggish dog that refuses to come when I call, speak when I command and doesn’t know how to play dead
A heart that has been shredded, breaded, deep-fried and eaten only to be purged like so much rotten meat
A heart that has been ran over, stabbed, skinned and caressed
A heart that turns and flip-flops into acrobatic animation only to die a thousand times and live a thousand more
The cracked mirror has become my expectation, a realization of who I may become
I don’t have the energy to keep going, but because I am the universe’s fool, I keep going, not knowing when or where to stop and lay my burdens down
Look down, lord, please look down
Look down because I’ve been looking up for you, hoping that your love and your words are true
That my foolishly noble efforts are not in vain and that I’m not insane that that we will rise again
I toss and turn in my sleep when I know that heaven is a dream, and it seems that I have insomnia
Sleepless even though I am tired
Weary even though I am strong
Crying even though I smile
I activate my force field
But it seems to keep me out and trap other things in
It’s a sin for me to feel this way because I know that it will pass, know that I’m am stronger than Atlas trying to bear the entire universe on his shoulders, better than this, more powerful than I ever new
And maybe
I have the energy

I restart my heart
After the shock of the plunge
Sword split straight through
Before I thought I knew
It heals time and time again
Feeling so much pain must be a sin

Something latched on and grew like a fungus
Thought it was love, gentle affection among us
Then you set the record straight and the verdict was given
No love life for me, no two-story house for us to live in
Rip my heart out and don’t resuscitate
A soulless vampire, drinking the bitter blood of hate

Never feel the rays of UV
Never know the image of you and me
Skin tingles with memory and thought
So far I’ve come, so much self-destruction wrought
I hate you and I have no reasons
Terminal love patient, riddled with love-bit lesions


You know what I wish?
I wish that I was a detective in one of those film noir flicks I love so much
I’d wear a fedora the shade of midnight and have a last name like Dark or Pitt
I’d walk the streets of the city at night, only at night, with a bent cigarette sticking out the corner of my mouth
I wouldn’t have a car because I would have lost it in the high-speed chase a few weeks ago when Nigel the Narc and his gang of no-good shysters tried to run me off the road, “Sending a message” they called it
The city would be smeared in neon, choking on concrete and bleeding dark puddles of piss along the cracks in the street
Maybe it’s raining ice cold daggers like God trying to slice me open to see what He’d made me out of
Or maybe it’s as cold as a cop’s heart
Or maybe the moon is packed full of bright, hovering there like a celestial spotlight
I go into a bar, Johnny’s or Jimmy’s, something with a J where they only play jazz music and serve hard liquor.
I sit at the bar, a near tangible cloud of cigarette smoke obscuring the hookers in the laps of married men, fingers gripping and tongues slipping inside lying mouths
I nod at the bartender, my face hard and deadpan, and order two fingers of bourbon, all with my fedora still on, my hard-boiled features wrapped in shadow and intrigue
The band starts to play an old jazz tune
Something like “Darn that Dream” or “You made me leave my…happy home”
The music takes hold of me, locks my muscles tight with languid fervor, holds my mind hostage while pointing a gun of lazy riffs, crescendos and arpeggios at my bass-thwacked temple
I sip my drink, the rich liquid coursing down my throat like a scorching ray of sunshine
Aahh, that hit the spot
I look over, and there she is
The dame, the broad, the femme fatale to end all femme fatales
She sits alone, sipping something just as dainty and delicate as she is with a snap of something fruity
She smokes her slim cigarette with careless elegance, her movements motored by that ol’ skool charm
She’s painted in light blue by the flashing sign above her head
She looks at me, she is Helen
I am a ship
I’m launched into the sea of ecstasy
She has cocoa butter skin and I think I can smell it from where I sit and stare
Her scent slices like the kindest cut through the alcohol, smoke and sweat
Blood rushes through my body like a shattered dam
And damn, is she ever beautiful
Smooth brown skin, kinky afro arranged in a velvet mound atop her regal head
She puts all those pretty little white girls to shame
Her lips are painted with rubies
Eyes darker than my heart, but hers are soft, mesmerizing…
And pleading.
I slide off the stool, muscles slack and slippery, and walk over
She doesn’t look at me
At least not with her eyes
But I know she knows I’m there
Can feel it like electric fingertips running down the back of my neck
I drop my hand before I touch her
“Mind if I sit here?” I ask her
She answers with a 10-carat smile, a pull of lips that explodes against the insides of my eyeballs
I’m seein’ stars
I sit next to her, easily as if the very air around her is fragile, something to be treasured and nurtured
“Come here often?” The slug of bourbon calms my suddenly quivering hand
She turns, a holy flexing of perfect muscle and looks at me, drowning me in her gaze
“Only when you’re here.”
My heart trip-hammers like a machine gun
This simile reminds me of the time I traded bullets and blood with Tommy the Thrasher at the Harlequin back in ’03
Good times
But I was a different man back then
A gritty anti-hero with a tragic flaw
Something writers and poets spend days and years wringing their souls out to write about
But that’s not me
And he’s not me
I’m just me
A regular Joe trying to stay alive in a world infested with well-groomed gangsters and politicians with undisputed reputations that make me think of “smiling faces tell lies”
Screen fades to black

Dear Heart,

I hate the way you make me
When the new guy walks by
            T H U M PT H U M PT H U M P
Like thunder in my chest
I despise how foolish you are
As I turn my head to look at what I can’t have
damn shame
You force me accept the fact that I’m just like everyone else
Ruled by a muscle no larger than my fist
Pummeling and bludgeoning my thoughts with insensibility
Your pumping and susurrations slide like neon in my blood
Setting brown cheeks aglow
Stop that
I’d rip you from my chest if only the process didn’t kill the both of us
I need you as much as you need me
The heart is a lonely hunter, as am I
So how is it that both of us wind up as the prey
Caught up in the jaws of madness, waiting for them to CHOMP! down
I close my eyes
And listen as you propel yourself
Through tortured veins

Desolate king of the skies
On my head sits a crown of lies
Cold are the winds that tumble through these robes
Frigid and barren through empty occipital lobes
My breast beats hollow and resonant
Filled with the sluggish blood of a revenant
Shrive my heart of his burning sin
Absolve the yearning gnawing within
Call fire to my veins and fill me to the brim
Consume me from marrow to follicle, root to stem
Take my love and plunge it into the waves
As the wolf calls to the moon in rippling bays
Blast my mind and sew the blowing fragments
Stitch in, stitch out as spiritual waters run stagnant
A mouth filled with ash and dust
Coating my throat and bursting my stomach with disgust
Spikes to my cranium, acid between my thighs
Unmanning me, unmaking me to malice and tattered alibis
The mirror has exploded and sliced me to threads
Leaving me a lump lying around your legs


Entrails distend from broken limbs
Brains are spattered, bits of matter
Blood pools at my fingertips
Limp, dead things
Like me
Red light and I am the district
Whoring my love without pay
Tear ducts smashed, broken and out of order
My soul needs maintenance
Force field barrier
Susan Storm-style
Yet people continue to stare
Cold sheets
Lump chokes air from my lungs
The cancer called love eating away at my insides
Only to be reborn
I don’t want to love
Don’t want to feel
Shatter my spirit and cut myself with the shards
Until I bleed out
Fucking human condition
Fucking feeling
Makes me sick
I’m drowning in my own love-sick vomit
Scratch it out
Dig it out
Rip it out
I’m selling my soul to make the ends meet
Stretching further than my blurry eyes can see
Stomped on
Spat on
And I’m dust

Drip from lips made numb by the burning honey

Pulses inside like a series of supernova stars
Thoughts and veins exploding against the inside of my eyeballs

Thunders like a sonic boom ricocheting from the side of my cranium
Crack my skull and watch the muse leak out like petrol

Don’t fall content to hover at the edges of oblivion eyes
Dark things bulging thick and pendulant

Between thoughts f la she s
Of ideas blitzingblinkingblazingblaringbreaking in to

Sip and leaves my mouth dry
Crackles in my lungs like dead leaves fallen from the tree of me
Suffocating on O3

Jutting from shattered hands grasping for solace that won’t come
Slammed and rammed into my ears until I hear the beat of blood

A H H H H H H!!
Shifts through me like a hungry gale that tears and claws away emotional insulation
I’m left dangling naked shivering Never felt better
Body running on pain and agony


My Ruby

My Ruby

Some etch their honor in statues, monuments and cement
I will honor you with the words
The verb, noun, and consonant

Your memory is a classic melody that plays on in my weary soul
And I remember that it was you who stole all of the sadness inside
Love like a tide with the power to move mountains and birth nations

My declarations can never portray the signs of your passing:
Smiles, laughter, shared wisdom, eyes flashing
From your presence, benevolence so now I show reverence

You were a gift from heaven and yet you gave me wings
My spirit sings at the thought that I share your DNA
It’s all that I can say

I wish I could accurately describe what you were to me
You were more than gold, you were 
My Ruby